In our attempts to be loving to friends and family, we can often fall far short of the mark. Not because we don’t care, but because we somehow believe everyone should have a life just like ours. Our individual lives are just that, individual. What one soul seeks in earthly expression can be far different from another, and each hold beauty and meaning. Let’s take a look to examine some popular ideas that are far from the truth.
Fallacy: Married people with families are happy while single people are miserable.
Fallacy: Joy is found only in materialistic earthly pursuits while spiritual pursuits are joyless.
Fallacy: Women who focus on the home are lucky while those working are unfulfilled.
See each soul as seeking expression and experience. Within that pursuit lies satisfaction and our joy. What makes one person happy may be a prison to someone else, and vice versa. Watch your thoughts and projections on to others. Ask “How is that going?” instead of a judgement that a person must be miserable. Lift them up in the joy of experience and personal growth.
Bravery may not be the top emotion you would ascribe to your daughter; regardless of its position, bravery should come in as one of her top ten attributes. Given the unknowns in the world and all the moments in a woman’s life when she must rely on her own abilities, failing to guide your daughter in the function and display of bravery will lead her into isolating corrals of desolation, without a steed of action to help.
Teaching bravery to daughters often presents men with frustration given that being brave is a behavior we just do, right? What is there to talk about? Who hasn’t glanced askance at the timid ten-year-old daughter, wondering how this weak-kneed behavior will ever improve, given that your past comments to toughen her up resulted in a pile of censure landing squarely in your lap? Here is your solution.
Bravery is a simple two-part process:
First, bravery is the ability to cultivate mobilizing emotions that are greater than the emotion associated with a perceived threat.
Second, bravery is the conversion of these greater mobilizing emotions into action in spite of opposing forces.
We can go a step further and break this wording down into an equation, making it easy to remember:
As a reminder, an emotion is a mental and physical reaction to a stimulus (li), which results in physiological changes that prepare the body for action. Emotions create a change in your body. Unfortunately, some emotions create a change to our system which are not conducive to forward action, but rather retraction.
Understanding emotions your daughter has, and the possible energy she can extract from each, is an important part of shaping bravery. This table shows emotions associated with action and retraction.
Immobilizing Emotions When Facing a Threat – Retraction
Mobilizing Emotions When Facing a Threat – More Active Energy
Anxiety
Aggravated
Afraid
Angry
Defeated
Determined
Fretful
Feisty
Hysterical
Frustrated
Helpless
Indignant
Humiliated
Perturbed
Panic
Snappy
Shaken
Spiteful
Shy
Testy
Sullen
Uptight
Timid
Zeal
When your daughter exhibits those high energy emotions, the idea is to direct the energy into positive action; guide her on proper use of the energy. If her brother intentionally broke her doll, then you can direct her to vocalize her view of his poor behavior and what consequence she will meter out. For example, he has to do her chores for a day or pay for the doll. And most important, you support her as she learns the value of directing energy into positive action. Always give your daughter an opportunity to defend herself, minus the physical violence. Your daughter can be polite yet take a stand should it be needed.
A daughter crying, with retracted emotions, can be asked if she is really angry, then further the conversation by asking what she wants to do about it. Allow her to express energy to correct unfair or scary situations. Emotional energy has to go somewhere and here are your options:
The energy is expressed in the form of positive and correct action.
The energy is expressed in negative ways, such as passive-aggressive behavior or hitting.
The energy is retracted, directed inward, converting into future health problems, physical or mental.
The energy can be directed into physical activity such as sports or chores.
The ability to cultivate mobilizing emotions and direct that emotional energy into positive action, creates a life of possibilities for your daughter and her bravery.
Kids are so fun to be around for so many reasons. I enjoy their delight in the smaller things, the things we adults might take for granted everyday. We can all find happiness in the smaller stuff. It makes a day so pleasant. My new buck was not very expensive, but I enjoy seeing him and being with him. Find the smaller things you enjoy, and relax in that feeling of contentment. You can enjoy my flashy buck too on this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATe_anxY9cA
As a kid, I loved the gift giving time at Christmas. But looking back, I realize there was a rule in place which ensured the experience was fun; there was a monetary limit to what was spent on each person.
As I got older, I found expectations of selecting the perfect gift with some large monetary value was outside of my personal and financial abilities. I couldn’t afford the gifts desired. If I was able to afford a smaller gift and gave thought to selecting it, the gift was still tossed quickly in the corner.
Approaching the problem, I stated to family that I would like to ask we no longer exchange gifts. That was not well received, but I had given up on the process. When I looked deeply at my beliefs and the meaning of Christmas, I found that the stress and perplexity of the gift giving was not for me. So I stood by my ideals. I made goodies from family recipes instead, with the hope of bringing warmth to Christmas in that way. It was with love and kindness, I invested time in the kitchen.
Understanding what is important to you is honorable. You can always give the gift of love to others, in silence or openly. Knowing who you are, your values, will bring peace and ease the stress. Happiness does’t come in a package or box, or I should say, I have never found it there. Know that what you are doing isn’t done in a negative way, but out of a love for all concerned.
We could hope that by letting family know what you are doing and how you plan to do it, will be accepted. If not, go back to your positive emotions. Statements such as these might help: I am doing what I believe to be best for _____- fill in the blank (me, you, nature, environment). I love you and wish you the best in your activities.
After years of very little gift giving, I have found that I was on the right track. Relationships built on mutual love and respect thrived regardless of gifts. Relationships that had little foundation or mutual love, flatlined in the superficiality. Expensive gifts had never changed or solidified the relationship, it was just more empty frosting calories on an unhealthy cake.
For more ideas on Self-analysis and Life-analysis, you can find that in Chapter 19 of A Woman’s Guide: Cultivating Everyday Personal Magnificence.
The dynamic of our society has changed and with it, what the holiday season might mean to some. Let’s look at some issues that impact many people: Working during or on a holiday; Family at a distance; Extended family gatherings are reduced to nuclear gatherings, leaving some at the fringes; Separation of families due to substance abuse; and on it goes.
A Woman’s Guide: Cultivating Everyday Personal Magnificence is a book designed to help during these times. I know, because I am often alone on holidays and the positive emotions I use in these situations lead to ideas put forth in the book. Let’s look at some ideas.
Chapter 10 talks about Willpower: The Beginning of Action. Willpower is often jump started with a noble purpose. Take your holiday time and give what you are doing a noble purpose. A noble purpose might be study of spirituality, prayer so as to improve your relationship with God, serving others in a job or as a volunteer, or time to reflect on the last year and direction for the new year.
Then, as you think on your noble purpose, pump up your positive emotion by increasing the importance of that idea. You might think how enhancing your spirituality might be the most important gift you can give yourself, a gift for years to come.
After many holidays alone, I have come to value my personal time with my creator, and I hope you will too.
Era Lewis 